by Harper & Brothers Publishers. Battling With Baal WELL, de Hebrew chilluns was de Lawd’s chilluns, but they was jest chilluns. And chilluns ain’t steady, I don’t keer whose chilluns they is. So no quicker do old Ehud git ’em outn trouble and they settle down to they’s up in trouble and devilment again. And quick as de Lawd caught ’em in devilment he sont de enemies after ’em. And when de enemies got ’em, you better believe hit was hard times among de Hebrew chilluns. “ Somethin’ mighty funny ’bout dis,” say de Hebrew chilluns. Page 175. “ Yar us is, claimin’ we got de Lawd on our side, and yar de enemies claimin’ they got Baal on they side. And us is in de chain So when de Lawd yared de news he got powerful mad, and he sont for a man named Gideon. “Gideon,” say de Lawd, “what’s goin’ on down yonder ’mongst my people? ” “ Lawd,” say Gideon, “ ain’t nothin’ but trouble goin’ on. I preached to yo’ people ev’y Sunday, and I prays for ’em ev’y night. And they come right back and say, “ Well, efn de Lawd give us some action, we’ll say our prayers to him, and efn he don’t, well, we’ll say our prayers to Baal! ’ ” “ Dat what they sayin’ ? ” say de Lawd. “And doin’,” say Gideon. “ Lawd, you oughter git after dem sinful scound’els wid another flood. Or maybe take some broomstone to ’em.” “ I ain’t blamin’ my chilluns,” say de Lawd. “ De chilluns is young and ain’t got no better sense. But I’m gettin’ mighty tired of old Baal messin’ round. I yar he’s holdin’ a revival meetin’ right in town.” Page 176. “ Been revivalin’ all summer. Got his own church and ev’ything.” “ Well, you go and burn his church down, Gideon,” say de Lawd. So Gideon went and not only burnt Baal’s church down, but he up and made a barbeque for de Lawd’s people right in de ashes. And dat made old Baal mad. “ Who done dat? ” he say. “ Me,” say Gideon. “ So old Baal backed up and cussed some, and den he called his members and say, “ Members dis boy done burnt my church down. What you gonter do about hit ? ” “ Whyn’t you do somethin’ ’bout hit, Baal ? ” say Gideon. “ Hit was jest yo’ church, and hit was jest me which burnt hit. From de way things looks hit ought to be jest me and you about hit.” “ I ain’t no fightin’ man,” say Baal, “ but I got a heap of members which is jest achin’ for a chance to fight.” “ Well,” say Gideon, “ I ain’t no fightin’ man, too. Nor neither is de Lawd. But de Lawd told me to burn dat church down, and he ’lowed he had a few members left which ain’t never run from a fight yit.” Page 177. “ So old Baal lined up all his members and Gideon lined up all de Lawd’s members so’s they could fight. And for ev’y member which was on de Lawd’s side, hit was about ten members on Baal’s side. “ I’m gonter make hamburgers outer yo’ measly army,” say Baal. “ Soap and water,” say Gideon. So ’bout dat time up wawked de Lawd. “ Wait a minute,” he say. “ I got too many men on my side.” “ But, Lawd,” say Gideon, “ we ain’t got nigh as many as Baal’s got. “ I got too many men,” say de Lawd. “ I don’t never want nobody to say I ain’t givin’ Baal a fair fight, and dat’s jest what they’d say, did I sail in at him wid all dese men. Send some of ’em home.” “ So Gideon took all de boys which ain’t done plowin’ de cotton crop to drap out and go home, and about half of his men went home. “ Now, dat looks better,” say de Lawd. Page 178. “ But Lawd,” say Gideon, “ looky yonder at old Baal. He got men swarmin’ round him so thick they’s jest workin’.” “ You skeered? ” say de Lawd. “ Nawsuh,” say Gideon. “ but some of my men is kind of skeered.” “ Well,” say de Lawd, “ Let all de men which is kind of skeered drap out and go home.” So about half of what was left went home. “ Now de fight is gonter be about even, maybe,” say de Lawd. “ I sho don’t want nobody to say I ganged up on Baal.” “ Nobody never gonter say dat, Lawd,” say Gideon. “ Baal’s men is as thick as flies round a molasses bar’l.” “ Well, I sho hope they don’t say I ganged up on him,” say de Lawd. “ I might got too many men yit. Jest march ’em down to the creek for a drink of water and let me watch ’em drink.” So Gideon marched ’em down and some of ’em drap on they knees and drunk, and some of ’em tuck and dipped water up in they hats and drunk. “ Let ev’y man which knelt down and drunk drap out,” say de Lawd. “ I don’t like to see a man on his knees a Page 179. So de Mens which got on they knees and drunk, went home, and dat left old Gideon three hund’ed men. “ Now, dis looks somethin’ like,” say de Lawd. “ De fightin’ is gettin’ more even. Old Baal ain’t got but about a million men on his side and us got three hund’ed. Dat’s about right. But us still is got de under holts on him, and I can’t stand to go at a man wid de under holts. Let ev’y man pile up his swowd in a pile.” “ You know yo’ business, Lawd,” say Gideon, but I be doggone efn I does. Baal got a million men wid swowds and us got only three hund’ed. wid nothin’ but they bare hands. hit looks quar to me.” So ’bout dat time old Baal holler up, “ We’s champin’ at de bits, waitin’ for dat fight. We’s jest achin’ for trouble.” “ Take yo’ time, Baal,” say de Lawd. “ You gonter git all de trouble you kin handle as quick as I gits my army trimmed down to whar I kin handle hit.” So de Lawd puttered round mighty nigh all day, gittin’ his men fixed fust one way and den de yuther, and ’lowing’ he’s awful skeered somebody gonter say he tuck advantage of Baal. Page 180. So about sundown de Lawd say, “ Dis jest won’t do, Gideon. Ev’y man I got is got two mighty good hands. S’posin’ somebody found dat out? De fust thang you’d yar was somebody sayin’ I tuck advantage of Baal. Now jest to settle dat argyment right yar before she gits started, let ev’y man tie his right hand behind him.” So ev’y man tied. “ Now,” say de Lawd, “de fight is gonter be about even. Gideon, you pass out a ram hawn to ev’y one of my men.” “ Y’all better come on,” hollered Baal. “ Hit’s gettin’ dark.” “ Take yo’ time, Baal,” say de Lawd. “ Us will be along when us gits ready, and when us starts, you’ll be de fust man to yar de news.” “ So de Lawd putters round some mo’ to she gits good and dark, and den he say, Let ev’y man take and blow his ram hawn to I tell him to stop.” And ev’y man blowed, all night long. And when daylight come, Gideon looked out and seed Baal’s army, jest like hit was de night before, only all his men was daid. “ Lawd,” say Gideon, “ how’d dat come to pass? ” So de Lawd sort of laughed. “ Baal’s army jest kilt itself, ” he say. Page 181. “You see, hit was like dis. When my men and Baal’s men lined up, Baal knowed he had about ten men to my one, and he was r’arin’ for a fight. And efn I had marched in at him, us might of got whupped. So I lined up my men and sont half of ’em home, and old Baal seed me do it. “ Well, dat sort of worried Baal. He knowed he had mo’ men den me, and he knowed I knowed it. So he couldn’t figure out how come I was sendin’ part of my men home. “ So I jest let dat simmer on his mind awhile and den I up and sont some more home. Den old Baal got to figurin’ I was up to somethin’ which he didn’t know about. And de more men I’d send home de more he’d worry. And de more he’d worry de less he wanted to fight. He didn’t know efn I had three hund’ed men or three million men, so he jest told his army to git ready for anything which come along. “ So when hit got dark he got so uneasy to when he yared ev’ybody blowin’ a ram hawn, he figured no les’n three million men was onto him. So he grab up his swowd and told ev’y man to look out de best way he could. Page 182. “ Well, hit was dark and they couldn’t see who was gettin’ stuck, so ev’y man stuck de man closest to him, to finally ev’ybody got stuck wid de swowd. And all my army was doin’ was standin’ back blowin’ de ram hawns.” “ Well, I be doggone,” say Gideon. “ Dat sho was a good trick.” “ I been workin’ dat trick all my life,” say de Lawd. “ When a man quit me for some yuther god, I don’t strike him down. I jest go on like I ain’t payin’ him no mind, and dat makes him worry. So he jest worries and worries to finally he gits skeered and he strikes hisself down to keep me from doin’ hit. Dat’s one of my oldest tricks. And hit ain’t never failed me yit.” Chapter I: Eve and That Snake Chapter III: Sin Chapter XIX: The Stratagem of Joshua Chapter XX: The Sun Trick Martian Visitor ( Home ) The Pagan origins of Easter |